little larkspur,

i'm jealous, i'm fickle, i'm such a girl.

i can hear your voice through the speakers getting smaller and smaller and further and further away. old western hero riding off into the sunset, credits rolling. rewinding. title card flashing. never letting go.

here lies a sensation i dread, i welcome, i have seen risen from the dead. this time filling me near full. this time. time is a mean executioner, black hood heavy, leaving me behind but springing when i'm at my lowest. how many times has my head rolled?

that knocking in my brain, i've yet to answer because i know it's not you. i don't want to answer if it isn't you.^* cowbell ringing secret code, and the rap-rap-rapture on my patio. the bottoms of your shoes click-clack cracking walnut wood.

scarlet twilight, cattails at the pond, i'm a selfish child who hasn't learned to share. i know the word but i hate its sound. please don't think little of me. it must be okay to want. god must have wanted his children to want.

one quick shot; bottle rocket pop. nothing and nobody is in my way except my own damn self and a million other things i can't control.

_{* and i always know who's at the door.}

divine sleeper, lyrics on birthday cake,

is it tired of me to say that en la noche, yo pienso en ti? i wear underwear to bed. some people wear nothing. you wear everything. my bare skin on the wool of your pajamas, baby's first fire hazard. it burns and burns and burns.

a-ga-ve. sun-flow-er. three syllable madness.^* i sound out your name. i spell it out, aligned with words. i've spelled your name in my head hundreds of times, easy. your name in my dreams fragmented and glued back together.

mister 'sunshine past midnight' estimating me carefully, the stranger in the sandbox. and your appraisal? i hope i'm an empty gauge, grayed out, error. a little lamb lost belonging to a dead shepherd who started living tomorrow.

my desolate, desperate heart like a desert. with each pump reveals reality red blood, crumbling pink rock breaking off ventricles and veins. cactus rose, essence of aloe, i'm begging you to play your part: knight in shining silver-gray gunmetal armed to the teeth atop his white horse heaven-sent.^**

i feel free, vibrant, freely, vibrantly. i run and you don't have to chase me. instead, i am a pet wild rabbit. i eat the treats that fall before me in the hay, right into my lap. an apple that guts me like the carving knife that hunts me that splits me open, halves me.

every thought of you, a bullet piercing through.

_{* madness, if you know the word, madness. like the open road and a dog that won't 'stay'. like a prayer to god; a wish.}

_{** “i saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called faithful and true. with justice he judges and wages war.” (revelation 19:11 niv)}

bitter melon, yellow grass laid flat,

i dreamt of you the other day. we had dinner and a show and you shot the man who very openly, very loudly talked about killing us. we traveled with a talking cat whom i terrorized with its mummified brethren. i woke up sick.

seems like there's no end to the mirror's reflections. unrecognition in each silver countenance, reddening, blooming, falling apart. we are several stargazes away from the dam bursting open and razing the town with its filthy, shitty floodwaters. but our faces are nowhere to be seen.

sand spores and your lilting laughter i grasp onto, hold on for dear life. digging my nails in deep enough to draw blood because i like the mess. to make you feel that violence - feel it, fear it, again and again. bludgeoning eye sockets, heels of my boots.

the things we built together, things we have and own to pieces. fabric scraps drenched in mud (my skirt soaked in marsh-wine). watered-down whiskey, impotent rotgut: the treasures no sorrowed sorry sap would dare to swipe. but i like my liquor hard and fast. can i count on you to deliver?

your hands roaming fur patting down haunches avowing good boy. my imagining to be your lockdown loyal dog by your side caged metal muzzle submitting praise me, hold me, forgive me.

think about me your all-american girl even when i can't be.

i am endlessly thanklessly thankful for your unbridled absence, always never here, king of creatures as helpless as i am.

i dream of a home we have together, the endless expanse of our front lawn. it's just big enough for the both of us. some of the floorboards creak. we're growing orange trees and we run laps around the house and we laugh like children. we do nothing, we revel in it.

i want the distance to remain the same. i want the dream to remain a dream. i don't want that at all. i want the closeness to foster hatred. i want to touch and feel. i want to loathe and weep for what i've lost. for a dream that only half came true.

night after night i recall moments we never had.

beloved,

i'm lighting votive candles in your name. say you don't need it though i would do anything and everything for you. everything for you.

meanwhile, all your daily troubles lead to your ever-hungry lionheart dying, dying, and dying again. no, it's no challenge for a million-life miserator. my warped and wretched consumer of all my love has me curled up and choking on my tears, gripping covers tightly to feel safe again. wicked man with the gun in his hand playing texas roulette, my sweet baby.

little consequence, little reaction. and can you hear that ring-ringing in the back of your head? grinding teeth hard and setting jaw, good luck, they say, good luck. and they should know you were born that way.

say sorry you left me alone for so long and i'll say it back.

yours forever,

dear mr. ████,

i hope this letter reaches you safely, if at all. i had difficulty sending it out, it'd probably be a miracle should you receive it.

i'm just writing to say hello and to check up on you. i hope you're staying safe and out of trouble. though that might be too hopeful of me. haha.

nothing new on my end. everything is the same as always. i bet you're having fun, wherever you're getting this. if not, i'm sorry!

i bet you're busy, so please don't feel obligated to write back. again, i just wanted to say hello and i wanted to try my hand at writing to someone. since i don't have many folks to write to. though when we see each other again, i'd like to know if you got this letter. you can tell me face to face!

wishing you nothing but the best,
██████